You taught me to believe.
To have faith and to talk to a higher power everyday.
First thing in the morning, and at night before I went off to sleep.
To have faith and to talk to a higher power everyday.
First thing in the morning, and at night before I went off to sleep.
My inspiration for this poem is something that happened many years ago. I can still hear the screaming – it echoes in my mind.
I remember opening the door to ask if my neighbour needed help and she smiled apologetically, saying :
“We loved our son so much that we never said no to him.”
She continued to explain, saying “He’s gone so used to getting his way that he’s screaming the place down, because I’ve just said he can’t go out. We’re starting to say no when he behaves badly, but sometimes we get so tired, we just give in.”
I wanted you to have order in your life,
So I cleaned up after you.
You don’t have the ability to take the knocks that life will give you,
And you don’t have the independence you need to stand up on your own.
I’m fed up.
I realise, but not because I can see how immature and badly behaved you are.
If so, then I would have seen the warning signs long ago.
That shouting has become my way of teaching you.
Because I am tired and my patience is wearing thin.
I shout, feel guilty, and then I give in to you once again.
Why nobody spoke to me and guided me right.
Or talked to me when I was doing wrong.
Or did they try and fail, because I ignored them?
Did I show you my love in a way that you needed me to?
Or was it all about what was easy and about what made me feel good?
Or did I think that you’d just learn the skills you required for life on your own?
Still unable to be consistent in disciplining you.
Yet learning very grudgingly.
Only changing when you behaviour gets so bad that you’re forcing me to change.
Learn what YOU need to help you grow.
Know when YOU need me to be kind or to be tough,
Do for you and teach you to do for me.
Because you need to learn to do for me first, before you learn to be of service to others.
So you accept it without getting defensive,
So you open up to me and understand my decisions.
So you learn to deal with disappointment,
and are prepared to take the knocks that life has planned for you.
I know now that it’s not about success, but about making the effort.
What you need from me is the thing I find most difficult to do.
But I’m trying.
Because at the end, it’s not about me,
It’s about my love for YOU.
I couldn’t see your failings, though I was aware of them before.
It’s not that I was blind, but that I didn’t want to see.
Deep down inside, I think accepting your flaws was a reflection on me.
Because you were MY choice.
I supported you when you did wrong and let you pull wool over my eyes.
And it’s starting to get to me.
Because your failings are so visible now that I can’t deny them.
And I can’t deny the role I’ve played in helping you pretend you’re perfect.
That your flaws don’t matter.
It’s my failing and I’m suffering for it, because they do.
Not because you were the best, but because you were the best available.
Not necessarily because I had something to gain by making that choice, though it’s possible,
But more because I felt I had no alternatives.
Or because I was afraid of the repurcussions of choosing someone else.
You were my compromise then, and you’re starting to be my shame.
For the same reasons. But I think you need to learn humility.
You forget that you stand where you are because of me.
You forget that I matter.
You forget that they matter, not just me.
You turn away from their faces and their silent tears.
They bear the brunt because they’re vulnerable.
I’ve been letting you fool them with false promises and they believed.
Because they were ignorant and desperately looking for hope.
But they’re getting wise and I’m wondering what they’ll do when they run out of options.
It worries me – this failure of yours, which is also mine.
I want to change and I want you to change.
It’s a new way for me, because till now I’ve gone with what’s convenient.
The truth is that you supported me when I wanted to do wrong.
So I kept you happy by supporting you.
I want to change, but I’m fighting with the side of myself that’s gone comfortable with wrong.
Knowing I’m the same.
I’m willing to accept it now.
To accept where I did wrong, because I need to do that before I can make a change for the better.
And I’m starting to expect you to do the same.
I stand by my choice for now but it’s not because I believe you can change.
You’ve yet to prove to me that you can.
It’s a case of ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t’.
I’m wondering whether you have what it takes to change.
And whether I should continue to believe in you.
I might still chose you again if you fail me, because I feel stuck.
Because I feel there’s no alternative.
Or I might not chose at all, preferring to be alone.
This poem is about how human we are, though we sometime like to think otherwise.
It’s about the way we sometimes make choices and dig ditches for ourselves. And then struggle, until we realise that the power to change lies with us.
It’s not about any particular situation, so what it means to you is entirely what you make of it. I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Some of my women friends are stuck. They’re amazing cooks & they were just so good at it, that other family members stopped taking turns with cooking. They loved cooking & took pains to cater to differing tastes, by cooking a wide variety of dishes at every meal.
It’s hitting them hard as they get older & their priorities change. They want time to spend with their extended family & often struggle to get time to meet up with their friends. Because running their home, looking after older family members & producing fabulous meals daily takes all the time they have.
They’re talking about it when we meet & realising that their being so good at cooking has made their family fussy. They now want to unlearn their amazing cooking skills & learn from women with cooking skills like mine!
I’m saying no to the requests I’ve had for cooking classes. The truth is, all I have to do is ‘try’ to cook well and that’s enough for things to go terrible wrong….so I don’t think I can teach it. It’s just a natural talent!
I could look at you in envy
For all the things you have,
The ease with which you cope,
Your luck when things get bad.
But i look at you in awe,
You’re my teacher and my friend.
I look at you and learn, that i can try to change,
Turn my struggles into chances and reach up for the skies.
I see the work you’ve put in and i see the dues you’ve paid,
And your graceful acceptance, when all you try just fails.
I see that every chance you’ve got you’ve carved out for yourself,
And i look at all of you in awe…my teachers and my friends.
Sometimes i sits, i sits and thinks, of things i’ve never seen,
of places that i’ll never know, of what i may not be.
Of all the possibilities that seem so far away,
of all the lovely winding roads, that lead out from my gate.
I dream of possibilities i cannot see awake
Of walking lovely winding roads that seem so far away.
I know i’ll never really know what lies along my way,
or what i’ll choose to do, and which new path’s my feet will take.
I sits sometimes, i sits and thinks – in wonder, as i wait
for every turn that’ll take me on, to where i’ll be someday
One of my favourite books is ‘The Lord of the Rings’ .. and the start of it all ‘The hobbit’. I just love the poetry there, especially the poem by Bilbo Baggins (The road goes ever on and on….)
I am grateful for your constant and steady companionship
I have not always felt that way about your many many visits, but as time goes by I’m growing to value them. When you visit regularly, I sometimes wish you away, but you know that I really do not mean it.
You bring me joy and sorrow, rude shocks and pleasant surprises,
I would not have known the joy, if you had not brought me sorrow,
I would not have known I was strong if you had not shaken me up,
I would not have known accomplishment, if i did not accept the struggles you gave me,
Through it all, you gave me hope
I am never alone, because you hold on to me,
I remember not to be complacent, because you slap me in the face
I am sometimes wise, and welcome you with open arms,
I sometimes forget that wisdom and just want a break
I know you are good for me, as you make me grow,
I have learned over time to accept you as you are and go with the flow
I appreciate your constancy and I’m not asking you to be any different from what you are.
But would it be so hard, to just give me a call now and then, and let me know you’re on your way to see me?
To the average Indian woman, gold is beauty, security and an investment in her future. Sadly, it’s also for many women, a way to determine whether another woman is well off enough, that they can consider being friendly with her.
I learned this because I don’t wear gold jewellery and I often wear no jewellery at all. I’ve had full conversations with women, with their eyes glued to my ears and neck – showing me that they notice the lack of adornment.
Worse still, we lived on rent when we first moved to our current location, moving a couple of times, before settling down in our permanent home. And every move meant making new friends from scratch. Initial friendliness from women neighbours can sometimes turn to reserve once they’ve conducted their brief interview and realise they’re talking to someone who does not own her own home!
It’s a value system that is so accepted in our society that families invest in gold jewellery, leaving nothing for the comforts that make daily living easy.
I often get told I’m lucky that my daily life is relatively comfortable. But it’s not about luck. It’s about personal choices and priorities and spending on what we value most. That’s where this post comes from.
Concerned friends, have asked if I own a set of jewellery and my answer is NO. It’s a waste as I’m not going to wear it anyway. Maybe someday, I’ll consider buying some bling that’s actually gold. I don’t know – maybe…
But it won’t mean anything more to me than all the lovely stuff at Archie’s.
The sun shines so bright and there’s house work to do
The dishes aren’t done and the floor is not mopped
And I want to go to the coffee shop
The bills to be paid can wait just a while
The sun shines so bright and it’s lovely outside
I know what to do – I’ve just got to get out
Or coffee and cake at Java Bean
We talk and we laugh and we have a nice time
Now, it’s eight in the evening, but I’m in the mood
To wash the dishes and mop the floor
To do all the things that need to be done
As 2013 comes to a close, I finally realise that I am not wonder woman, and it’s quite ok
This past year has been a year of change – new opportunities, new challenges and a year of goodbyes to some very special people, who were an important part of my life. Life can be so short and I need time to enjoy it – my family, friends and job – I want it all – I want it all – I want it all – and I want it now .. Freddie Mercury had the right idea.
Someday, when the years have gone by, I will look back at what I have done, and hope that it will be with a smile in my heart, knowing I did the things that made me happy and gave me joy. And with affection for the people who loved me and made it all possible.
On finding an imbalance between work and home
I am learning that there is no such thing as balancing home and work, but just different kinds of imbalance. You get more stuff done at home, and you have less resources to focus on your work – it’s as simple as that! These wonderful multi-tasting women who do it all, that I read about seem unreal! It’s just so free-ing, to realise, after years of trying to do everything, that there’s no way to succeed. So I am now striving to find an imbalance that works for me and my family
Maid in India
I have fond memories of the maid and cook we had before we moved house. I found it easier to deal with leaving my friends, but missed the house help terribly. After moving, it took time to get help at home. The maid I got was really very honest, and nice – she would turn up either when I had just woken up, or when I was leaving for work, and the new cook took 3 hours daily to cook a dal and 2 veggies (that takes me 45 minutes on a bad day). So, when I finally ended up doing it all AND paying for it and figured that i could just do it all and not pay for it! I do sometimes dream of having a maid or a cook, but right now am finding, that it’s less stressful without them. At least this way the house work gets shared, since everyone knows there’s no help at home.
If something can wait, just leave it be for another day – procrastinating is an art and it is well worth learning
Keep a couple of hours a week to deal with pending stuff
Spring Clean and give away unused stuff regularly, it reduces the time taken to clean up at home and getting rid of junk somehow let’s good energy into a home
Keep the vacuum cleaner and mop easily reachable, so small spills can be taken care of quickly
Look around – you will see a lot of other women in their 40s, like you, trying to do it all and not succeeding, and you will feel much better, when you know you’re not alone
Be an imperfectionist at home – it is better to be an average housekeeper who is relaxed, than an amazing one who is always upset that something at home has not been done
When things get too much, sit down with a cup of chai, put your feet up and think of something else – this takes practise, but works. You will feel much better after a little while and will be to handle it all when you’re done
Is it important to do everything for everyone else in the family, or let them learn to be self-reliant
Is the woman who does everything for everyone wonderful, or is it the woman who teaches her family to look after themselves and be less dependent on having help to do their work? I am sure every family has different thoughts about this. It is worth thinking about.
While it is nice to have help with the home chores, it is also quite a relief to know that the family can survive comfortably even without it, when necessary. I do think people who do work a little bit at home, keep much better health than those who don’t.
There’s a time for work and a time to rest
There’s a time and place for everything under the sun, and for me, this is the time to do my own house work. I know that when life thinks I really need a break, the most amazing maid and cook will come knocking at my door (like it happened when we were moving house earlier) and help will just come my way. Until then, it is important for me to accept that i have no house help, be flexible and do my best and simply leave the rest. At least that way, I’m still smiling and relaxed at the end of a busy, busy day.